Editor’s Note: This article discusses relationship red flags, which can be confused with/related to signs of emotional or physical abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or is in crisis, please seek help right away. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for confidential support 24/7.
Some say all good things must come to an end. Well, that’s actually how we feel about toxic relationships.
Whether it’s with a romantic partner, boss, or best friend, toxic relationships (and staying in them) can seriously affect your self-esteem, mental health, and overall wellbeing.
But we know that no one truly wants to end up in a toxic situation. When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be hard to spot the signs that it’s time to exit. These signs are known as red flags—so let’s take a deep dive into how to spot ‘em and what to do once you do.
A note before we begin: if you’re currently in an unhealthy, harmful, or toxic relationship, please know that it’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and it’s important to seek help. Consider leaning on your support network, connecting with your therapist or mental health provider, and creating a plan to find your way out.
What is a red flag?
If you’ve ever scrolled, you’ve likely heard the term “red flag” thrown around. But what are people really talking about?
Generally, a red flag is a warning sign that indicates a dangerous situation ahead. When it comes to relationships, red flags are behaviors during that getting-to-know-you period that indicate that something is just not right.
And just to recap: when we say “relationships,” we mean all kinds. Red flags can fly in every situation. Those moments while hanging out with a new friend or starting a job that make you stop and think “Uh oh?” Bingo. Red flags!
Once again, if a person makes you feel unsafe or becomes abusive, do everything you can to exit the situation and seek help right away.
What are some examples?
Let’s break red flags into two categories: external and internal. Both are valid and important to assess.
External red flags come from the actions, statements, or behaviors of the other person you’re in relationship with—whether it’s a friend, partner, or manager. Some commonly known external red flags include:
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Excessive control
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Constant violations of boundaries
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Gaslighting and/or manipulation
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Weaponized incompetence
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Lying
Internal red flags, on the other hand, are the signs within you that indicate something is off about a friendship, romantic relationship, or working relationship you’re involved in. Otherwise known as how you feel. Your internal alarms that blare wee-woo, get us out of here! For example, if:
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You feel constantly misunderstood and attacked
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You start to doubt your self-worth and value
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You find yourself people-pleasing or giving into their desires to “keep the peace”
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You feel isolated from your friends and family
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You’re immediately stressed, anxious, or uneasy in the presence of this person; or
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You constantly wonder if you’re making their harmful actions up/if your memories of how they’ve harmed you are unreliable
These are big red flags that you’re in an unhealthy situation— and it’s time to set some boundaries or plan an exit.
Are these the only red flags?
Nope! Not at all. Sure, there are some universally known harmful behaviors (like the ones listed above), but ultimately, red flags are up to you. You might have your own list of unacceptable behaviors to add, and that’s valid.
If you’re looking to start a list, ask yourself the following questions:
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What behaviors are not in alignment with my values?
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How do I want to be treated in a relationship?
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How do I want to feel when I’m with the people I choose to let into my life?
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How do I not want to feel?
Use your answers to guide your standards—and don’t be afraid to enforce them!
Is it a red flag or anxiety?
The truth is that we can’t tell you for sure. We don’t know you well enough! Only you and your mental health care provider can determine this—but sometimes, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Relationship anxiety, social anxiety, and past traumatic experiences can definitely lead to hypervigilance when getting to know someone. But it’s extremely important to not dismiss your own concerns. When in doubt, look for a pattern of harmful behavior from the person in question.
If your partner, friend, or boss are consistently harming you, your discomfort is not your anxiety—it is not a healthy relationship for you. If a relationship is constantly making you feel worse, instead of better, it is not a healthy relationship for you. And if you’ve tried to set boundaries only to have them consistently violated and ignored, it is not a healthy relationship for you.
What do I do once I spot a red flag?
You’ve got lots of options here, and none of them involve staying quiet.
First, process. As hard as it might be, don’t do this all on your own! Take a moment to move through your feelings, then consider sharing your experience with a trusted (and non-involved) friend, family member, and/or mental health care provider. Vent! Why? Because some red flag behaviors are an automatic hell no and reason to leave a situation immediately, and your support network (especially a mental health care professional) could make that clear.
Next, decide what you’d like to do. Red flags are indicators that you’re not in alignment with someone. You can either remove yourself from the relationship, or point out how their actions are unacceptable and set some boundaries. Both choices are valid—but some behaviors may not even deserve a conversation.
If you do choose to confront them, make sure that you a) consult your therapist, if you have one, to develop an approach that fits your needs, b) advocate for yourself firmly (read this for a little more info on setting boundaries), and c) take plenty of time after the conversation to process and make a decision on how to move forward—with or without that relationship.
You deserve to feel respected and safe in every connection you have, and if that’s not the case, it’s time to make a change.
